Monday, April 12, 2004

I've been up since two-freakin'-thirty! I just can't sleep these days. Started on a proposal. Surfed the 'net for beads, because I love making jewelry. Surfed for stage design for church because we're hopefully going to be moving into something new. We've got some old-fashioned hold-outs and sometimes I long to be in a church where no one tells me "That looks like an entertainment stage!" if I dare to move the biggity butt thrones we have up there. And yet, God's called us here right now. Some people are really there to lay down their lives. Others are there to pick up those lives and their own as well, and walk around with them clutched to their stomachs like they really do own them. But I have to believe that God's working. I've seen too much happen to think otherwise. Still, I struggle. As an artist, a mother, a wife and a servant, I struggle at this place. I've been around too much to know there isn't a perfect church out there, but most Sunday's I'm scared to enter in because I wonder if this will be the day me and the praise band step over the line.

Yet I think this temporary confinement is building up muscle from pushing against it. Once we break free, wow. I have to believe it will happen. I have hope it will. I have to. Because if I can't serve here, maybe the truth of the matter is, I can't serve anywhere. I have to be faithful no matter what, but I sure wish my attitude was better, that I had the Jesus Reaction right up front. Will I ever be like that?


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