Tuesday, September 07, 2004

feelin' the luv

Yesterday, around 2 p.m. I felt a real lightening in my spirit. I have a sneaking suspicion it was prayer. Thanks everyone. I've decided to really let myself think about my grief, and instead of just shoving it down, to pray over it. I haven't done that.

I guess part of finding ourselves having gone through the death maze prematurely (both of my parents were dead by the time I was 37--not a childhood loss, but still young enough that none of my own children's milestones will be viewed by them, etc.) is that there's no one to blame. At least for me there isn't. My father dropped dead when I was 29. Great way to go, really, and what he always said he wanted. "I'd go sooner if I could just drop dead." And, boom, there he went. My mother died from heart failure due to her polycystic kidney disease. It was a blessing she went when she did because she'd just made it into the Depends stage.

So I've tried to be strong about these things for years because, "it could be worse." But something hit me a few minutes ago. "It sucks to lose your parents." No, they weren't perfect. We all had our issues. But the bottom line is that I would extend loads of compassion to anybody else who lost a parent, so why don't I do that for myself?

At least I've really been coming to terms lately with my miscarriage, thank God. After me wallowing beneath the psyche radar for a dozen years, I think God finally just reached down and laid it all out for me.

"Here, Lisa. For Pete's sake, you need to get this. Okay?" And then He cups His hands on either side of His mouth. "It was not your fault. Not. Your. Fault."

So there it is. Thanks for your prayerful encouragement. I hope this blog is a place where we really can encourage one another.

grace and love,



Blogger alexander said...

Hi Lisa, appreciate your down to earth honesty and openness. Told Will that our 16 yr old is enjoying the book you gave us, thanks.

September 7, 2004 at 7:32 AM  
Blogger Bill Arnold said...

I'm just reading some Brueggemann--"Texts Under Negotiation"--and it's really great stuff. One of the things he's talking about is how hard we work at denying and overcoming our fragility. We really think that's what we're supposed to do sometimes. It's probably worse for men, although I think that tide has been changing for quite some time. Anyway, Brueggemann is stressing the importance of realizing how much we owe to God (i.e. our very existence). Here's a sentence I just read a few minutes ago:

"It is that candid reality of weakness and gentleness that will in the end permit the undoing of an abusive, fearful world of the self-sufficient and the formation of a new counterworld of genuine humanness."

September 7, 2004 at 11:03 AM  

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